Our conversation was jovial, it was easy, as if we had remained close for all of these years. We spoke about our families, her children, my children, her husband, my husband, my dad, and his life. She came to comfort me, but in her comforting me, I noticed that she needed to be reassured herself. Her relationship with my dad was a great one. She did things for him that I have never seen anyone else take the time to do. She cooked, cleaned, laughed with her mouth open, and she made him laugh often.
She was young, vibrant, beautiful, and caring, qualities that my dad loved, but he broke her heart and married another. He told her over the telephone that he was engaged, and that his fiancé was in town. My father went on to marry wife number two, and then number three and lastly wife number four, each relationship worse than the one before. I know that this is a decision my father regretted as time went on, but she did not.
My dad and I spoke about her often, and if either of us had a sighting of this close to fictional being, we were eager to tell the other. In her mind, he left her, and because of this abandonment, she sought solace from the man she married, on the day of my father’s wedding, this was quite bold and secretly I always admired her for it. She never said that she regretted her decision, nor did she say she wished it hadn’t happened, but there was pain in her eyes when we discussed the way things ended between her and my dad. She needed to know why, even after all of these years, she needed closure.
I explained, to the best of my ability, the things my father and I discussed as life went on about his choice in women. How he tended to marry the same woman over and over again. Many of them have the characteristics of his late mother, abusive, broken, abused, suffering from addiction of some sort. Although she was a different person later in life, when he cared for her until her last breath, he never healed from the childhood trauma. So, he relived those experiences in his relationships. I remember a few months ago, when I mentioned this to him, he said how great it is that I help him to understand himself more and more every time we speak. My dad and I were very candid in our conversations, sometimes we would strike a nerve and stop talking for a few weeks, but we always came back together.
After we spoke, she seemed relieved. This explanation was what she needed, and she felt that I too needed closure and that I should attend his memorial that I still know nothing about. I felt as though I had closure with my dad when I visited him, after we spoke on the phone, through the emails and lastly through his will, that his current wife refuses to honor. I felt as though I did not need to attend a ceremony, put on by people who did not truly care for him, or truly love him. I know it will all be a show and I do not do well in environments where there is unfinished business. She feels as though I should go, because rumor has it that my name is being dragged through the mud. Apparently, I am the bad guy because I want what is rightfully mine.
My dear friend feels as though it would show people that I loved my dad, and while it shouldn’t matter what his wife and her offspring’s say, that it would be better to be there than to be absent. She imagines my absence would fuel the fire of lies that she tells about me. If I show up, I will have a chance to voice my side of things, giving me closure.
I guess I am still on the fence about this. The funny thing about closure is that sometimes you have to create it. Absent of other people, in spite of other people. Maybe my presence at this memorial may do more harm than good. I know that I loved my father, have always loved my father, and will always love my father. I know that he knew that I loved him very much and he loved me very much. My presence or my absence would not change a thing about our relationship. The devil will still be a liar, and a thief and that wouldn’t change either.
I remember my father telling me that you can’t talk down a lie, you can only live down a lie. I am not sure that I care to do either concerning this situation, but my life will always speak volumes about how much my dad and those who loved him means to me. He knew that I loved him in life and in death, and nothing or no one can change that.
UPDATE: After much consideration, I will attend my father's memorial, since I know that he would want me there in spite of it all.
Of a truth, God will not do wickedly, and the Almighty will not pervert justice. Job 34:12