Whenever I bow out of this fight, for fair treatment, to keep what is rightfully mine, to protect my child from a bully, or to keep my sanity in this crazy world, life does not get easier it becomes harder to bear. I have heard the saying, “Anything worth having is worth fighting for.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes I just want to live my life without calling a meeting, the police, writing a letter, defending my character, explaining my beliefs… I just want to wake up, thank Yahweh for allotting me another day to do His great will, go to work, mourn my dad, finish this last piece of graduate school, and move on with my life.
I want to enjoy the journey; free of malice, worry, pain, stress, hatred, racism, and everything else that affects me and mine. I know the truth behind my struggle, the struggle of my people (the true Biblical Hebrews). I know that this too shall pass, and all of the other clichés that ring true. I know that one day, we will rest in the presence of our Savior. I know that my intercessor is Yeshua (who some call Jesus). I am not rejecting the help that Yah gives me on a daily, even on a moment by moment basis. I acknowledge and fully accept Him. I know that He would never give me more that I can bear and I am sure that I can bear it. When I look at all of the things that I have been through and how far Yah has brought me, I know that He has always been there.
Today though, like right now, in the midst of this madness of being mom, wife, advocate, I am tired. I need to relax, reboot and regroup. I want to feel my feelings, and be authentic in these moments. I relinquish this title of being “strong.” All that people see when they see a brown woman, with natural hair and some hips is strength. I am soft, and funny and goofy and I have many layers to me that this world will never see, not, because I don’t want them to, but because I will always be seen as a challenge to them.
I know that as long as I am in this world, I will have to fight for my freedom to believe that Yahweh has a standard of living for us, no matter what society says. I know that I will have to stand up for my children, against schools, bullies, and doctors. I know that I have to stay in prayer for my husband as he drives home, hoping that he is not pulled over and killed by some homicidal police officer. I know that I will have to continue to defend my beliefs, and my character against those who misunderstand me. I know these things to be true, and I’m not complaining, in fact I will keep on fighting because I don’t have a choice. I am not saying that I give up, I am just saying that I am tired.
The WORD says: “I have fought the good fight. I have completed the race. I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:7